Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Freshman Orientation

Double post? I THINK YES.

SO IN MORE RELEVANT LIFE-NEWS: I finished the university's freshman orientation, booo. It was everything I expected it to be, which was not much! I didn't learn that much, so that means I can make a nice, neat list of the few things I DID learn.

First of all, ARIZONA IS HOT. And by that I mean the weather, not the people who live here. Sorry. But what's even more ridiculous is that once I got into a classroom, I was ABSOLUTELY FREEZING, like LITERALLY SHAKING, while everyone else was sprawled out like OH MY GOD THIS AIR CONDITIONING SUCKS I AM STILL SO HOT OH MY GOD.

So, I am an alien. I learned that.

Also, here's a nifty story. During part two of orientation, I had to go find the Biology building and sign up for classes. Right? Ok, cool, that's not so bad. EXCEPT I HAVE NO SENSE OF DIRECTION. Capslock cannot accurately convey just how much I lack an internal compass.

HOWEVER, I am not so easily defeated, and so when I was sent off to find this elusive place, I whipped out a map and was like OK, CAMPUS, WHATCHU GOT?! NOTHIN', YOU GOT NOTHIN', BECAUSE I HAVE A MAP AND--

WAIT WHAT THE HELL WHERE AM I

WAIT WHAT THE BALLS IS THIS BUILDING IT'S NOT EVEN ON THE MAP I DON'T EVEN

OH MY GOD HOW DID I GET LOST ALREADY I TOOK LIKE TWO STEPS THIS IS RIDICULOUS

WHY

HOW

And this went on for way longer than should be legally tolerated. I don't know how many benches I stopped at to check my map, only to turn around and start backtracking back to the only place I recognized. And after the third or fourth time doing that, I somehow managed to get MORE lost and couldn't even find that place again. So at this point I was basically wandering aimlessly around campus like
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Just as I was about to hi-jack a car and freakin grand-theft-auto my way through buildings and lawns until I got where I needed to go, I noticed something in the distance.

It was this kid. But not just any kid. He was totally and undeniably a nerd. He was walking with a mission, like he knew where he was going. So where could he be going so determinedly? There was only one place.

THE BIOLOGY BUILDING, CLEARLY. So what did I do? Obviously he was way too far ahead of me for me to run up to and say HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING, so instead, I decided to...just STALK HIM.

Like seriously, literally, I STRAIGHT UP STALKED THIS KID. The whole time I was like WHAT IF HE SEES ME AND NOTICES. Like, I was totally expecting him to turn around like WHAT WAS THAT NOISE
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With like...the Metal Gear Solid exclamation point and everything, and I'd be like NO GO AWAY GO AWAY YOU DIDN'T SEE SHIT KEEP WALKING KEEP WALKING

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DON'T LOOK AT ME

Could I have booked it like hell, ran up to him, and asked him if he knew where he was going? Sure! But would that have been near as much fun as NINJA STALKING the guy? I THINK NOT. Of course, there was always the very real possibility that he was NOT going to the Biology building, and that he could lead me all the way across campus into a DITCH or a BURNING BUILDING or, worse, to the MATHEMATICS building.
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I PERISH THE THOUGHT ;;;

But you're forgetting something very important about me! I have a superpower, and it is called IDIOT LUCK. So of course, even though this kid could have been lost, himself, or even though he could have been going ANYWHERE ELSE on campus, he did, in fact, lead me straight to the Biology building. So HAH.

Idiot Luck: 1
Laws of the Universe: 0

So I got there, and they told me where to sit. And I mean, they gave me VERY SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS on where to sit. So when I finally find my seat, I look around and notice that they had placed me ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM from just about EVERYBODY ELSE. So now I'm like WHAT THE BALLS IS THIS

WHY AM I BEING SHUNNED

IS IT CAUSE I STALKED THAT ONE KID?

AND EVEN SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW

Then I realized that they were sorting kids by their major, and not actually shunning me. It just turned out that NOBODY had signed up for my major. WELL FINE. You don't like Molecular and Cellular Biology? Just you wait, by the time I get my degree, I will be able to insult you is such a way that even your cells and molecules will be ashamed of themselves. B-..because that's the kind of stuff they're going to teach me. Right? That's not a question: IT IS.

So I got my schedule, in the end. WEEEEW. I have a really random assortment of classes, and normally I would tell the internet all about it, but unfortunately I don't actually have my schedule WITH me right now. So maybe some other time, internet. Because I know you care about that kind of stuff.

And right now you're probably thinking THIS POST IS TOO LONG, ARE YOU DONE YET

The answer is NO. I'M NOT DONE. Because you're forgetting, again, about another very important thing. I GOT to the Biology building just fine...but HOW THE HELL DID I MANAGE TO GET BACK? Well, after I finished setting up my schedule, I made my way to the exit. Right? Ok, cool. When I got to the elevator, there was this OTHER kid standing there talking to one of the staff. I found out that he was going EXACTLY where I was going...

GUESS WHAT I DID.

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If you guessed "Stalk that kid", you're actually WRONG! I decided that stalking one kid was enough for the day, so I actually ASKED this kid if he could help me get to where we were going, which he did. His name was Reggie and HE SAVED MY LIFE. Unfortunately I didn't get his last name, so I can't, like, go on Facebook and be like HEY REMEMBER ME, THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE. But hey, c'est la vie, right?

A-..apparently that means "that's life" in French. But I don't actually speak French, so...
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I needed to end this like two paragraphs ago, so I'm just going to make an abrupt exit here and say I PROMISE NOT TO WRITE A NOVEL NEXT TIME I POST.

Dailybooth

So, um, I've got something to confess, internet. B-..but you have to promise not to judge me, ok? Promise? Y-..you have to SAY it ok just promise ;;;

I started a dailybooth.

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OH GOD I'M SO SORRY INTERNET I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME I JUST--

IT WAS JUST THERE AND I--

AND NOW I HAVE ONE OK I'M SORRY

If you're one of the privileged few who has never had the misfortune of witnessing the atrocities that occur on dailybooth, allow me to explain--AND I AM STILL SO SORRY

Dailybooth is SUPPOSED to be a website where you take a picture of yourself every day in order to track how your appearance (and life in general) changes over time. Kinda like those videos you see of people who took a picture of themselves everyday, except you don't have to make the same face or pose.

Ok, that sounds innocent enough, right? NO, because unfortunately, something like 90% of the people on dailybooth use it to be CAMERA WHORES, taking myspace-esque picture of themselves and their gratuitous 12-year-old cleavage, somehow, SOMEHOW THEY MANAGE TO DO THAT. And it gives the rest of us a bad rep, ok? I SWEAR TO YOU I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT. My dailybooth is probably going to consist mostly of ME EATING STUFF because I REALLY LIKE EATING.

Look, see for yourselves! Right here!

...What. Stop looking at me like that. This was not an attempt to subtly plug my dailybooth. Frankly, I'm offended by that accusation, and I suggest you withdraw your implied statement before I discover that I suddenly have feelings and that you hurt them.

I-..I'm going to go, now.

Friday, June 24, 2011

PICNIC (un)ADVENTURE

Alright, that's it, internet. I've had enough of this and it's time I put my foot down and addressed the issue. See, an old post of mine called "Cosmology, But More Importantly: POODLES" is getting an inordinate amount of views. So the question is...WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE COMING FOR, THE COSMOLOGY OR THE POODLES?

I bet the post is popping up whenever someone does a search for "Space Poodles". That would explain all the hits.

But anyway! So! Today! We were like HEY TODAY SEEMS LIKE THE GREATEST DAY TO HAVE A PICNIC

IN THE MOUNTAINS

So of course we went out and got POUNDS OF PICNIC FOOD, stuffed it into the car, and just as we were about to take off for epic mountain picnic times, my mom texts my sister like GUESS WHAT WE'RE DOING

SERIOUSLY GUESS
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And then my sister is all like YOU GUYS, THE MOUNTAIN IS CLOSED

And all I could do was be like WHAT

WAIT

WHAT

WHO THE GODDAMN HELL CLOSES A MOUNTAIN

A MOUNTAIN. WHO WOULD DO THAT

WHO COULD DO THAT
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So then we're like WELL DAMN

GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO HAVE A PICNIC

AT THE KITCHEN TABLE
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And we DID. Clearly we are rebels who cannot be stopped.

And.

Um.

...THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL YOU GET. It's after midnight and I can no longer be damned to write anything today. Or, yesterday, technically, WHATEVER. You don't get to be privy to everything I do, internet. YOU JUST DON'T ;;;

But mostly, yeah, it's after midnight, and I become incapable of relaying simple information to random masses of people after midnight.

But before I go, when was the last time I blessed your lives with gifts of music?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

In Which I Talk Forever And There Are No Gifs

It is the afternoon and I woke up at 12 PM and NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

Not even "Oh hey good job I do that too"

NO

NOT EVEN THAT

I got home from Texas a while ago but I'm still in that stage of post-traveling where I'm like OH MY GOD THIS IS MY BED AND IT IS MINE AND I AM GOING TO SLEEP ON IT EVERY DAY FOREVER

WHAT'S THIS OH IT'S MY FRIDGE WITH ALL MY FOOD AND ALL OF THIS FOOD IS MINE AND I CAN EAT IT WHENEVER I WANT

AND THIS? THIS IS MY BATHROOM. I LIKE MY BATHROOM. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME SHOWERING FOR OVER AN HOUR IN MY BATHROOM THEN YOU CAN GO AWAY BECAUSE THIS IS MY BATHROOM, NOT YOURS.

Because basically after a week of being a guest in someone else's home, I like to revel in being in my own environment again.

Which seems to be the only stable thing in my life right now! I don't mean that in a bad way. I don't mean to imply that I, myself, am suddenly UNstable. That would be a lie, and I am not a liar. I just mean that in a time of OH MY GOD WHAT, I'm glad at least that my home has remained the same.

Except I guess we bought an elliptical recently, so it technically HAS changed but that's just getting unnecessarily picky ok geez drop it YOU GET WHAT I MEAN ;;;

And what I mean is, I still don't really know what to do with myself! And so until I start Calculus and get back into the school-induced stability of life, I'm basically doing the equivalent of backflips off a trampoline-walled room.

Please don't picture that. No one can look good doing that kind of thing.

Seriously, stop it.

I'm also pissing myself over NaNoWriMo. Yes, I know. IT'S JUNE, and I'm freaking out about what's happening in NOVEMBER. Or rather, what might NOT be happening in November. I think I'll still be in school in November, and so that means I won't have much time to spare for writing. I did pretty ok last year, at first, but eventually school DID take priority over writing, despite my frantic internal cries of 100 MORE WORDS OK JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME I SWEAR I'LL GET THIS DONE ;;;

And this is only a fraction of the issue! It's a lifelong issue and it always will be! I'm married to science but writing is my mistress! OR, wait, what's the male version of a mistress?

WRITING IS MY SANCHO.

And if I was REALLY stupid, I'd minor--or even double-major--in English. BUT I'M NOT THAT STUPID, SO. I love writing, but I hate English classes. It would never work.

JUST LIKE OUR LOVE, INTERNET. We're star-crossed lovers or something like that. THE INTERNET IS A NET LIKE THAT OF A SPIDER

AND WE ARE TWO MOTHS CAUGHT IN IT'S WEB

YES, MOTHS, NOT BUTTERFLIES

BECAUSE MOTHS ARE MORE ACCURATE OK THEY FLY MORE AT NIGHT SO SHUT UP

YES WE HAVE TO FLY AT NIGHT, WE CAN'T BE STAR-CROSSED LOVERS IN THE DAYTIME YOU NOODLE

OH MY GOD

...I'd also like to clarify that the writing you see on this blog is of the lowest caliber and it should not be assumed that I am trying to write a novel like this

although that would be pretty fun to do, too

oh god DON'T GIVE ME ANYMORE IDEAS ;;;

p.s. I didn't use any gifs! It's appropriate because I'm writing about WRITING and so--yknow, if I had gifs it would take away from my message or something I DON'T KNOW

Monday, June 6, 2011

My Dog is a Fatass

OW OW MY BODY EVERYTHING HURTS WHY

If anyone out there has ever laughed off bowling as a legitimate workout, THEY HAVE CLEARLY NEVER BOWLED FOR FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT. Alternatively, they HAVE, and they felt NOTHING, which just ends up making me look like a CHILD.

STILL. MY BODY. OW.

In other news, yknow those dog food bowls that have a container of food on top of them? The kind that fill themselves up after the dog has eaten enough? We bought one of those today for my dog.

My dog, if you don't know, is the one that eats almost anything and everything you give her and won't stop eating until there is nothing left. All of this is done faster than you can shout "OH MY GOD NO STOP THAT ISN'T FOOD WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS WHY WOULD YOU EAT THAT OH MY GOD WHY"

We gave that dog a self filling food bowl. She's a nervous dog, so first she was like WHAT THE BALLS IS THIS
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But then she was like OH MY GOD I CAN EAT FOREVER
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And then of course, the actual act of eating forever
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This went on for something like ten minutes, but then she was all OH MY GOD WAIT WHAT IS AIR
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And for the rest of the day she just looked FAT. She's a pretty fit dog, but oh my god, everytime I looked at her I was just like OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO FAT and she was just like
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We took her for a walk later, but the whole time she was DRAGGING and being SO SLOW. I felt bad at first, but then I remembered SHE DID THIS TO HERSELF and that it was a learning experience for both of us. I learned not to take fat dogs for walks, and she learned not to be a fat dog.

DOUBLE VICTORY.

I would write more, but it's 2:40 AM, and I took a Star Trek break in the middle of writing this so I don't feel like continuing anymore. I guess that's what happens when you blog at this time of night. Or, day. I don't even know ;;;

Friday, June 3, 2011

Apartment, but more importantly, CALCULUS

Now that I no longer have any academic obligations, I have an inordinate amount of free time which I seem to be spending primarily by NOT sleeping at night and sleeping FOREVER in the morning. This has led to my adoption of a dual personality, one consisting of an undying thirst for NAPTIMES, and the other seemingly unfamiliar with the term "sleep" at all. Guess how I'm feeling right now.

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However! I do have reason to celebrate, if celebrate is the right word. "Feel relieved" is probably a more appropriate description, but I managed to get the SECOND-TO-LAST room at an apartment only two miles from the university campus. That means I don't have to drive 30+ minutes to get to school and back every day like I WOULD have had to do. So basically this means only one thing.

I HAVE DELAYED MY INEVITABLE DEATH BY CAR CRASH.
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Winning.

Also, this is now appropriate:


There IS a bit of a problem until then, though. I'm taking Calculus over the summer.
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APPARENTLY the smarter decision is to take math courses at Pima because the courses at the U of A are ridiculously more difficult. But even so! MATH IS MATH, and I AM ME, and therefore EVERYTHING HURTS AND I WILL PROBABLY DIE.

Which--wait--renders my earlier celebration pointless. If Calculus is going to kill me, why does it matter if I avoid car-death by living close to campus?

Answer! It doesn't! And I'm screwed. UNLESS I WIN THIS MATH COURSE. Which is highly unlikely BUT STILL A POSSIBILITY and therefore SHOULDN'T BE RULED OUT. SO. Hope for the best prepare for the worst, etc.. etc.. I'm gonna die.. etc..

I MEAN NO. THINK ABOUT HAPPY THINGS, THINGS THAT WON'T KILL YOU, THINGS LIKE UM

UM

Oh I don't even know I'LL DEAL WITH IT OK ;;;

I guess the only good thing is you guys get to continue listening to me freak out over math. Or maybe that;s another bad thing. I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Also, this is now appropriate, too: