I Am Your Absent Alcoholic Father

Um.

I think I'm just going to finally accept the fact that, to the internet, I have now become like...that father who shows up every now and then, makes you think I'm finally gonna be a part of your life again, gets really drunk, and then leaves for months without a word.

GUESS WHICH PART OF THE CYCLE THIS IS.


Actually no, it's NOT the "gets really drunk" part. That's supposed to come AFTER graduation.

Because OH RIGHT, I'M GRADUATING.


I also finally, FINALLY, managed to qualify for the tuition waver AIMS scholarship thing. THAT MEANS I GET TO KEEP (some of) MY MONEY.


So during the ceremony, we're supposed to be completely stoic and stonefaced the whole time in our seats. So when the camera pans down over my row I'ma be all like

I FEEL NOTHING

I'm also getting this strange feeling that I'm going to totally CRASH AND BURN while crossing the stage tonight.

Because, see, I've been absurdly lucky all year, so it would make sense that the universe would restore balance in such a way. So if it DOES happen, I'm just gonna play it off like it was some kind of farewell joke. So yes, you're allowed to laugh.

And right before the end, we're supposed to do some kind of...flash mob? Which apparently has nothing to do with flashing people. It's dancing.

Sorry.

But GOD DAMNIT I SUCK AT DANCING. So while everyone else is looking all pro I'm gonna be that one kid going like

And that's my BEST move. I'm worried they're going to call an ambulance because they'll mistake my epic dancing for a grand mal seizure.

But then I'll be done! FINALLY FOREVER, I will never again have to set foot in that kind of environment again. I FEEL LIKE I JUST GOT OUT OF PURGATORY. This isn't just a level up! I'M FREAKIN EVOLVING.

So I guess I'll leave it at that. I'm not making any promises to keep up with this blog, though. Remember, the next phase of this continuing analogy is "get really drunk". SO UNTIL NEXT TIME, WHENEVER THAT MAY BE--!

P.S. I'm not.. actually going to get really drunk after graduation. That...that was a joke. OBVIOUSLY you have to have a bitchin PARTY before you get smashed. DUH.

Give Me A Goddamn Trophy WOW

IDIOT LUCK STRIKES AGAIN, AGAIN

GUGUGHGH seriously wow I know I've said this a million time but I am like...the most STUPIDLY LUCKY INDIVIDUAL EVER TO HAVE BEEN STUPID AND LUCKY EVER. I need to start buying lottery tickets because I'm one of those dumbasses who actually WINS that kind of shit. WOW.

OK so to explain that outburst, I had a presentation due today. I completely forgot. I had NONE of my notes, and wasn't prepared AT ALL--

wait this is supposed to be about how lucky I am right, hang on what--

So I get to class and FIND OUT about this surprise presentation (in my defense, it got moved up on the schedule unbeknownst to me). So I'm like



"THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY EVER

CAN YOU FEEL THE SARCASM

IS IT TANGIBLE

IS IT PALPABLE"

There were two presentations that were set to go before me, though, so what I did was, I actually volunteered to be a part of their judging panel. By doing so, I was actually able to pretend that I was all slow and stupid during the judging part, therefore stalling and wasting time on the off chance that we ran out of time for MY presentation.

MY STUPIDLY GENIUS PLAN WORKED, and I didn't have to present.


Me: 1 Fate: 0

I think maybe we would have run out of time anyway, but I like to think my efforts paid off, at least a LITTLE bit.

So next, I get to study hall, and I'm like "OK I'VE GOT A MATH TEST NEXT I'M TOTALLY GONNA STUDY AND OH MY GOD

WHERE'S MY CALCULATOR

WAIT WHAT THE--WHERE IS MY CALCULATOR WHAT THE HELL IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

I AM THE STUPIDEST PERSON ALIVE EVER OH MY GOD NO"



Yes, I had forgotten my calculator! Which is a bigger deal than you think, since there are things in my math class that you can't actually DO without a calculator, and I needed it for my test. So I was all like OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO FAIL MY MATH CLASS I QUIT LIFE FOREVER THAT'S IT

But then, what! My friend--who has like TWO classes and neither of them are math courses--MAGICALLY HAPPENED TO HAVE A CALCULATOR. What. WHAT.

WHY AM I SO LUCKY.

So then I get to math class and I sit down to take the test. Now, usually when I see a math test, I'm like OH WHAT THE BALLS IS THIS I DON'T EVEN OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU


WITCHCRAFT?!

Except this time when I sat down to take the test, I was like "...Wait, what. Hang on. I...I think I...no, I couldn't, but...

OH MY GOD I KNOW THIS SHIT"

And so I basically WON that test, I'm 90% sure.

And on top of all of that, it's FRIDAY.

FRIDAY.



That-...that doesn't really have anything to do with my being lucky, but it's worth noting.

So anyway, that, whatever that was just now, is how my day went. Full of capslock and inner shouting and WINNING and an absurd amount of luck.

Seriously this happens to me WAY too often. I'm starting to think that I'm actually a LUCK LEECH that SUCKS THE LUCK out of the people around me, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW I'M DOING IT.

...I'm going to bed now. I apologize for any luck I may have inadvertently stolen from you ;;;

EDIT: I just remembered, actually, that I also somehow managed to STAB MYSELF WITH A PENCIL today, while CLAPPING. I guess that's the "stupid" part of "stupidly lucky"...

Oh My God Internet Please Don't Beat Me

...Uh.

OH DON'T MIND ME while I tip-toe quietly back to the internet ;;; I MEAN WHAT, I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME GUYS WOW WHY ARE YOU MAD ;;;

You're probably not mad, actually, but hey. I'M mad that I've been skimping out on posting, so, I'm allowed to project those feelings onto my nonexistent audience, aren't I? I am. It wasn't a question. I AM.

So I should probably start my grand return (again) with a summary of my trip to Europe but--

I DON'T WANT TO, it would take a long time and I'm way too lazy to do that right now SO. Maybe later. Instead you get MY DAY IN GIFS

Sort of. Not so many gifs, I think.

This morning, I was in a pissy bitch mood because I don't really know why, I think I was just mad because it's a Thursday and I hate Thursdays. Anyway, I'm pissy-bitch-walking to class WHEN SUDDENLY I see the most RANDOM and maybe the CUTEST thing I've seen in a while. There was this kid walking across campus, when suddenly he sees someone he knows, so he's like OH HEY I SEE MAH FREND and he's all waving like HI FREND



and so he walks up to his buddy with a hand up like HELL YEAH HI FIVE, BUDDY

Except his friend just walks up slowly with his arm out like BITCH NO YOU'RE GETTING A HUG DAMNIT



And he did! He just freakin HUGGED HIM, like not even a bro hug, like a legit I LOVE YOU MAN hug and he just STOOD there like that for a few good seconds. I guess anyone else who might have seen it may have thought they were gay or that it was one of those "joking around" hugs, but personally I think he was just LEGITIMATELY HAPPY to see his friend and wanted to give him a hug.

PROPS TO YOU, KID, FOR NOT BEING AFRAID OF YOUR FEELINGS.

It was also really funny cause the other kid looked like he didn't know what to do. Like WAIT WHAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HUG OH MY GOD WAIT ;;;



Also, they both looked like freshman. And I don't actually hate the freshmen, so, FEARLESS GENERATION GO GO GO!

I don't know why it amused me so much, but I was like LOL I AM SUDDENLY NO LONGER ANGRY AT THE WORLD. Clearly this means that guy friends should hug more often, seeing as it seems to brighten my day so much.

So anyway, despite the random distraction, I actually got to class at a decent time. AND I AM, BY THE WAY, FINALLY AT AN ACCEPTABLE GRADE in my English class (acceptable meaning "grade > 90"). WEEEEEEW! We're doing dramas and plays right now, so FINALLY we're talking about Shakespeare. My group is reading Antony and Cleopatra, and all I know right now is that everyone think Cleopatra is a whore.



GREAT ANALYSIS, SELF.

In Biology, we did a lab that was supposed to measure transpiration rate in plants when exposed to different variables like heat, wind, and humidity. And I think one group actually fed sulfuric acid to their plant. I didn't get to do that though, I had to do humidity. LAAAAAME. And it really was, oh my god, it was so lame, I wanted to punch that damn plant in the FACE. We had the hardest time setting up the apparatus to measure transpiration, NOTHING WAS WORKING FOR US until FINALLY we fixed the problem with an obscene amount of tape. We got the data in the end, but were the last group to finish.

I still blame the plant for it all, though I think that might just be because I REALLY don't like plants anymore because this unit so far has had A RIDICULOUS AND PROBABLY ILLEGAL AMOUNT OF INFORMATION and we're even SKIPPING some of the chapters on plants.

OH MY GOD PLANTS WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO COMPLEX. Why can't you be like the sea sponge, huh? SEA SPONGES KNOW HOW TO BE SIMPLE, MAN. They just sit around and let water do shit for them, but noooo, YOU gotta have your damn xylem and phloem and PHOTOSYNTHESIS.

In the end, though, I still actually like plants more than everyone else in my class. I wonder if the plant in my room could sense my anti-plant feelings right now and is getting all like PSHHH whatever I'm a plant I do what I want.




Also, I somehow have over a 4.0 GPA? I don't know how that happened, I don't have straight As, but I think it's because I'm taking 3 AP classes, so they give you something like SUPER BONUS POINTS or something for that. I get to graduate with high honors, so, WEEEEEEW.

Um. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY GRAND RE-ENTRY INTO THE INTERNET but so far all I've talked about most is a freakin HUG I saw this morning and how much I hate PLANTS. UUUUM.

OH. When I got home today, I walked into the kitchen to find some Pringles or some shit like that to munch cause I was hungry. Except I was greeted by a frickin HELLA DINNER with cod and rice and green beans and texas toast and KEY LIME PIE.

FORGET THE PRINGLES MAN.

So I got to om nom like a boss. I kept thinking I'd done something either REALLY GOOD that they were rewarding me for, or that I'd done something SO TERRIBLE and they were getting ready to confront me about it. Turns out it was just that my dad had the day off and was bored, so he wanted to cook an epic dinner. WORKS FOR ME.

And this post works for me, too, cause I'm DONE with it. Here's to (hopefully) getting back to posting somewhat regularly again. MAYBE. I'm graduating soon so I might be busy, yknow, with GRADUATING. I don't think it'll be too much of a problem though.

UNTIL SOME OTHER, UNDETERMINED TIME.

6 HOURS TO AWESOME

I'M GETTING ON A PLANE FOR SPAIN IN 6 HOURS.



Well ok actually I'm getting on one plane and then getting on ANOTHER plane and THAT one is going to Spain BUT BUT

YOU GUYS

A week ago I was all "Dude..."



But now I'm like "DUDE"



The flight is gonna be hella long, though. I have enough music that if I played everything on my iPod it would last me over 4 days, and I also have the Italian Job, the 2009 Star Trek, and Inception to watch. PLUS, I've got two or three books I could read. And there's always sleeping, so..

I THINK WE'LL BE FINE.

Anyway, I figured I should post something here before I left. This time my unannounced and spontaneous hiatus ISN'T for no reason! It's JUSTIFIED.

Expect to see lots of updates after I come back! Well, wait, no, maybe you SHOULDN'T expect anything, that way when I actually DO deliver, you'll be all like OH WOW I WAS DEFINITELY NOT EXPECTING THIS AT ALL, WOW, THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE SURPRISE. THIS HAS BEEN DAY-MAKING.

So until then, right, don't expect A THING.

CLAWING BACK From The Low Ebb Of SICK

So I went to the doctor today and they told me I HAVE A VIRUS


And I'm like SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME MEDS

And they're all NO

JUST DRINK WATER

And I'm like OK COOL

I'VE TOTALLY BEEN DOING THAT FOR A WEEK BUT YKNOW OK.

No, I understand that there's not much they can do. Basically I just have to trust my body to be all like OH HELL NAW VIRUS DA HELL YOU DOIN GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE

YOU ARE A VIRUS YOU DO NOT BELONG IN MY STOMACH

BITCH I WILL CUT YOU


And my immune system has proven on many occasions that it is more than capable of going ghetto on sicknesses' ass, so. I'M CONFIDENT. You go, self.

So now I just have to tough the rest of the week out, and by then I SHOULD be over it, since viruses only last about a week or so.

In other news, I CAN OFFICIALLY COUNT DOWN THE DAYS TILL SPAIN ON MY FINGERS.


Th-..that means there are now 10 days left, if you didn't realize. I'm still debating whether or not to be that kid with the video camera who goes around pestering everyone like ISN'T THIS THE GREATEST EVER OH MY GOD SAY HI TO THE CAMERA GUYS.

But I'll probably leave them mostly alone. Mostly. I'll probably just be like OH LOOK BUILDINGS YOU GUYS the whole time anyway.


For now I've got to go finish some piddly Bio work and then probably get ready for bed since tomorrow is a LOOOONG day and I don't yet know how I'll be feeling in the morning.

THAT'S A HINT TO YOU, SELF. That virus had better be gone by morning or I'll...I'll punch myself in the face. MARK MY WORDS.

My Stomach Hates Me

ARRGGHH CRITICAL HIT, HEALTH IS DOWN TO MAYBE 48%

OR 62% IF I WANNA BE AN OPTIMIST (AND A LIAR).

Ok so you know how yesterday I woke up and I was all like


Well this MORNING I was woken up at 6:00 AM (after going to bed at 3:30AM) to see OH MY GOD SNOW, but

I ended up getting sick and throwing up again.

WHAT THE HELL STOMACH I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THIS.


I tried (briefly and it was a poor attempt, I'll admit) to look up ways to get over dizzyness and nausea (which seem to be my most prominent symptoms), but all I got was results like

"AM I PREGNANT"

"HOW AM I PREGNANT"

"WHAT DOES PREGNANT MEAN"

So no luck on the internet. Still no game-plan as to what I'm going to do if this persists into Monday and beyond. I can't very well go to school if I'm up-chucking every hour.

Well I mean I CAN but I'm gonna have to be that kid who just straight up RUNS out of class, and everybody in the bathroom is going to assume I'm bulimic.

NO YOU GUYS THERE ARE OTHER REASONS PEOPLE GET SICK.

MAYBE I'M UP-CHUCKING BECAUSE THE STATE OF THESE BATHROOMS IS JUST SO GRODY AND I DON'T EVEN--

Wait is it "up chucking" or "chucking up"?


I don't know ASK THE BRITISH IT'S THEIR WORD

...But really, they really are terribly grody. And people think girls are supposed to be the clean ones? YOU DON'T KNOW THE HORRORS I'VE SEEN. There are tales I cannot recount for fear of contracting hysterical blindness as some kind of bizarre coping mechanism.

In better news, 12 DAYS UNTIL WE LEAVE FOR SPAIN.



I still need to go get a decent camcorder at Best Buy, and I need to finalize the wardrobe situation, but otherwise I am so prepared. I'M MORE THAN PREPARED.

I am...the preparedest.


But more importantly still, I HAVE YET TO DECIDE IF I'M STAYING HOME TOMORROW. I would be totally justified in not going since this isn't just a "oh I don't feel good" kind of thing and is instead kinda like "oh I don--I'm puking oh god". BUT STILL.

...I'll figure it out tomorrow morning or something.

(maybe my "I'm sick because I'm such an ass" hypothesis is proving to be true? I WAS an obnoxious ass yesterday)

Quick Update

HELLO INTERNET

I HAVE DISCOVERED THE CURE FOR EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.

No it is not drinking. It is called complaining. And that is exactly what I did yesterday, and look at me now! I'm like...I'm at maybe 87% efficiency! Maybe 78% if I'm feeling pessimistic and dyslexic, but I'm not, so!

87% IT IS.

The puking has stopped, and I'm starting to regain my sense of time. Which is actually more depressing than anything else because now I realize that my "long weekend" was really not a "long weekend" at all. I seriously slept till 5 PM on one day this weekend. I don't remember WHICH day exactly but I know it happened and it freakin sucks because all that work that I had been given a 4 day weekend to do must NOW be accomplished on a regular weekend time-schedule.

But we're forgetting that I'm an infuriatingly and incomprehensibly lucky little bastard, so I'm sure I'll find SOME way to get everything done. I always do!

But first, the internet.

(that's right, you don't even get any gifs today...AM I REALLY NOT SICK ANYMORE?)