GERMAN 101 WHY

Remember when I was talking about Chemistry, and how I was afraid it was going to try and become my new Calculus? As in, instill feelings of indescribable terror and potentially cause me to lose control of my bladder due to said feelings of indescribable terror?

I LIED. My new Calculus, is, in fact, GERMAN...?



Wait wait wait WHAT I thought I was taking Italian? What is this bullshit? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SELF.

Turns out, Italian 101 didn't fit into my schedule. So I was all like


But then I started looking through all the other languages and saw that German was like the ONLY thing that fit my schedule. I thought OH COOL I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT. And so I signed up. BAM. Just like that.

But I underestimated just HOW much I'm used to Spanish. As soon as I start trying to pronounce German, my Spanish brain just TAKES OVER and is all like AW DUDE CHILL OUT I GOT THIS, and my German brain is like...well it doesn't do anything because it's basically comparable to a newborn--all it does it cry and pee all over itself.


Way to go, German brain.

So my inability to both comprehend the language AND to speak it has left me sitting in class with an oddly familiar feeling...a BAD feeling...kinda like the one I felt...

...IN CALCULUS. It makes sense though, right? I mean, they're both foreign languages.

IN OTHER NEWS, I'm starting to get a system down: I wake up, be awesome, go to class, be awesome, get home, be awesome, crack open a Red Bull and join my brethren on THE INTERNET. The only real problem with this schedule is that energy drinks aren't cheap, and also I guess they're not very good for you, uh. BUT IT'S OK! As soon as I hit 21, I'll replace the Red Bull with a beer. THAT WILL DEFINITELY FIX THE PROBLEM.



Yes. My impending alcoholism is a running gag here, and I intend to freakin RUN with it.

Also, just so we know. I am slowllyyyyy getting used to my new iPhone. I can text, look at maps, play a few games, but for everything else I'm still just like

What the hell is this I don't even...?

I'm also supposed to be trying to cook legitimate food this week and NOT live off of Red Bull, Ritz Bitz, and water. ...We'll see how that goes. I'M TRYING, OK ;;;

In Which I Write a Novel About Chem Lab

Warning: This post is over 1000 words long because I don't know what is wrong with me.

OK SO clearly I'm a genius, we've established that. But have we? Have we really? Sure, so I'm good at improvising ways out of imaginary dangerous situations, and I'm a bit of a pro at napping. But today we've got some rather compelling evidence that indicates the opposite: that I am, in fact, a genuine retard.

I had a lab for my General Chemistry class yesterday. Right? Ok. So my schedule says it's in room 204, so I'm like OK ROOM 204 IM'A FIND YOU

AND THEN I'M GONNA SIT IN YOU AND LEARN

So I get to room 204 and it's...a huge lecture hall? Yeah, ok, we're having a lab in a huge lecture hall. I'm a freshman. What do I know? I know that my schedule says room 204, and that's where I am, so that's where I'm staying.

And after about 15 minutes I'm sitting there thinking "Ok, how exactly is this gonna work, do we--do we just WATCH them do the experiment up there? Somehow? Maybe we're going to the actual lab later." I ponder that for a brief second. "Yeah, that's definitely it."

And then the lecture starts. And. It. Was. NONSENSE. They're going on about something we did on Monday, and I'm thinking "Oh shit, we had class on Monday? I thought it was on Tuesday! Maybe the teacher is wrong...

...wait

...maybe I'm wrong...

...MAYBE I'M IN THE WRONG CLASS."

So what did I do? If we were still working under the assumption that I'm a genius, I SHOULD have gotten up and left what was clearly not the class I was supposed to be in.

But I am not a genius. SO I SAT THERE. I thought maaaayybe it was the right class. And if it turned out to be the right class after all, and I WALKED OUT, they'd count my absence and drop me from the course altogether. Better to just stay, right?

WRONG. But in a truly stunning display of why-am-I-so-stupid, that's exactly what I did. And all the while, under the assumption that I was probably in the right class.

SO TO CONFIRM: I TOTALLY DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS IN THE WRONG CLASS UNTIL I HAD SAT THROUGH THE WHOLE THING

SERIOUSLY

WHO DOES THAT

Does that indicate brain damage? (It does, doesn't it?)

It turns out, I accidentally went into (what I later found out was) an Organic Chemistry lecture. After an hour, my not-class ended and I knew for certain then that I had just wasted an hour of my life.

Also, I was now an hour late to my EXTREMELY IMPORTANT LAB.

Now, it's important to remember that I am 18 years old, living on my own now and in college. So what does a fledgling adult do when they can't find their way to a very, very important meeting?

THEY CALL THEIR MOM AND LOSE THEIR SHIT, basically.

In my defense, I couldn't log onto the university website to find my schedule, so I had no way of finding out what the ACTUAL room number was without getting someone on the outside to help. Eventually my dad found out and texted me the room number.

And so I ran to the other (correct) side of the building, took the elevator to the fifth floor, found the right class and made my grand entry.

As in, I hit the teacher with the door on my way in and brought the whole lecture to a dead stop. Because when I screw up, I screw up TO WIN.

The classroom was TINY in a way that I can't accurately convey with words. I'm making hand motions right now but I realize that it's doing nothing to help you understand, since this is a text post and I'm a genuine retard.


Um. It was about the size of the bedroom in my apartment?

As in, all of the desks were literally edge-to-edge. There was absolutely no space between them. The only open seat was in the middle of a row, of course.

OF COURSE

So, right, I get there, hit the teacher with the door, and I'm like "OH UM

HI I'M AN HOUR LATE can I sit somewhere, or do you want me to go stand in the corner and hang my head in shame while you go find the most hazardous chemical in here to kill me with? Alternatively you could just tell me to leave and never show my face around here again."

Well ok, that's basically what I said. Luckily nobody seemed to actually give much of a shit that I was the latest thing since late came to late town, and the rock wall of desks scooted around to make a (very very small) space for me to get through.

And then, just like that, class resumed like normal as if some blue haired kid HADN'T just assaulted the teacher with a door and then practically crowd surfed to get to an open seat.

I know I just said the classroom was the tiniest ever, but that's just the LECTURE section of the room. Off to the side there IS, of course, a large lab area, which is where we went after I caught the tail end of the pre-lab lecture. I got my locker, got my lab group, and then we... measured the weight of coins...?

BECAUSE THAT'S DEFINITELY RELEVANT. It was some kind of introductory learn-how-to-not-be-assholes-to-each-other activity. IT WAS A SUCCESS, I'd say. I think once all the other kids saw my grand entrance, they all thought to themselves "Oh, this is my lucky day. There is no way I could EVER top this level of 'what the hell is wrong with you'. I am suddenly no longer insecure about myself now that I have this pillar of fail with which to compare myself to every day. Thank you, pillar of fail, for bringing me peace of mind. You are the greatest, because you are the worst."

That is definitely, definitely what they all thought. And you know? I'm alright with that. Glad, even. Everybody has a role to play, and if my role happens to be a shining example of the highest caliber of FAIL, then I will proudly take that title.

Cue the single shining tear rolling down my cheek. If I could cry, I mean (I can't. I CAN'T. DON'T LISTEN TO THEM).

And so, in conclusion, I leave you with a question: Am I an idiot because of what I did today? Or am I an idiot for writing over 1000 words about it?

TRICK QUESTION! The answer is most likely that YOU'RE an idiot (just a little one) for actually READING this whole thing. Wow. Props to you, man. Props to you.

SPANISH 201 WHY

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

SPANISH 201

WHY ARE YOU TAUGHT IN SPANISH

I know it's a Spanish class but but but SHOULDN'T YOU TEACH IN ENGLISH

SO THAT I CAN LEARN SPANISH

I FAIL TO UNDERSTAND THE LOGIC BEHIND THIS DECISION.

Well ok I guess I kinda get how hearing the language the entire time helps us develop an ear for it but THE LEARNING PART, THAT DOES NOT WORK FOR THE LEARNING

I got there, picked the first open seat I saw (which was in the back) and the first thing the teacher says is YOU HAVE TO SIT IN THE FRONT GODDAMNIT.

Except it was in Spanish and I don't think she said goddamnit. LUCKILY I understood enough of that to know OH THAT MEANS ME (and the other kids in the back but MORE RELEVANTLY, ME). So I move to the front, cool, no big deal, but then she KEEPS TALKING IN SPANISH

REALLY FAST

And I'm just sitting there like

The whole time, I'm catching a few words of each sentence, so my mental translator is all like "CLASS. CHAIR. NAME. DON'T PLAGIARIZE. YOU'RE ALL TERRIBLE PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BRING YOUR SYLLABUS TO CLASS."

I don't even know if that last one is what she actually said, but that's what I got out of it.

And that was my FIRST class.

So I went into my second class (Latin American Social and Popular Culture) with a slightly perturbed attitude, but LO AND BEHOLD

IT WAS AWESOME. The class is held in this freakin huge lecture room and WE'RE GOING TO DANCE AND LISTEN TO MUSIC AND WATCH MOVIES AND EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURTS

I'm not even joking. Part of the class is listening to music and watching movies. AND WE'RE GOING TO LEARN THE SAMBA.

THE FREAKIN SAMBA

Oh Lat.Am.Culture, I can forgive your ridiculously long name because you are awesome and the greatest.

Those were my only two classes today though! "Awful McTerrible" and "TheGreatest Forever".

I need to maintain at least a 3.0 GPA in order to keep my scholarship. If I stay enrolled in Awful McTerrible, though, that won't happen. So I'm going to switch it out for...

ITALIAN 101. HAHA. It's kinda like Spanish, except I get to start from LEVEL 1 with the rest of the noobs. AWWWW YEAH

#winning

Tomorrow I have Chemistry though.


THAT'S the class to worry about. I'm worried it's going to try to become my new Calculus--as in, THE DEATH OF ME. If you hear from me tomorrow afternoon, you'll know I lived.

Apartment!

I’m officially set up in the apartment and NOW I AM ON THE INTERNET.

There are tons of cool local shops and places to visit, I’m sure. I could easily walk to campus and meet new people and have a life. But why would I want to do that when I’ve got the INTERNET.

AND SO. Obligatory video tour COMMENCE:

(I make awesome sturgeon faces at 1:22 and 1:55)

And also, I am a genius:

No sturgeon faces in this one, sadly. Maybe next time!!

I think “That’s why I’m in college” is starting to become my new catch phrase, which I did not intend to happen but am not going to try to stop, either.

So tomorrow I have two classes: Spanish 201 and Latin American Social and Popular Culture. NOT TOO BAD. The only class I'm really concerned about is Chemistry. I took the assessment test on the class website and I got a 48%. CLEARLY I AM READY FOR THIS CLASS.

I think I'm going to get there on the first day, see all the forumlas and math on the board and be like HAHAHAHA

NOPE.

But let's hope for the best! I'm keeping this post short, but you can expect regular updates from me from now on, probably, HOPEFULLY. So until tomorrow, FAREWELL!