SO IN MORE RELEVANT LIFE-NEWS: I finished the university's freshman orientation, booo. It was everything I expected it to be, which was not much! I didn't learn that much, so that means I can make a nice, neat list of the few things I DID learn.
First of all, ARIZONA IS HOT. And by that I mean the weather, not the people who live here. Sorry. But what's even more ridiculous is that once I got into a classroom, I was ABSOLUTELY FREEZING, like LITERALLY SHAKING, while everyone else was sprawled out like OH MY GOD THIS AIR CONDITIONING SUCKS I AM STILL SO HOT OH MY GOD.
So, I am an alien. I learned that.
Also, here's a nifty story. During part two of orientation, I had to go find the Biology building and sign up for classes. Right? Ok, cool, that's not so bad. EXCEPT I HAVE NO SENSE OF DIRECTION. Capslock cannot accurately convey just how much I lack an internal compass.
HOWEVER, I am not so easily defeated, and so when I was sent off to find this elusive place, I whipped out a map and was like OK, CAMPUS, WHATCHU GOT?! NOTHIN', YOU GOT NOTHIN', BECAUSE I HAVE A MAP AND--
WAIT WHAT THE HELL WHERE AM I
WAIT WHAT THE BALLS IS THIS BUILDING IT'S NOT EVEN ON THE MAP I DON'T EVEN
OH MY GOD HOW DID I GET LOST ALREADY I TOOK LIKE TWO STEPS THIS IS RIDICULOUS
WHY
HOW
And this went on for way longer than should be legally tolerated. I don't know how many benches I stopped at to check my map, only to turn around and start backtracking back to the only place I recognized. And after the third or fourth time doing that, I somehow managed to get MORE lost and couldn't even find that place again. So at this point I was basically wandering aimlessly around campus like
Just as I was about to hi-jack a car and freakin grand-theft-auto my way through buildings and lawns until I got where I needed to go, I noticed something in the distance.
It was this kid. But not just any kid. He was totally and undeniably a nerd. He was walking with a mission, like he knew where he was going. So where could he be going so determinedly? There was only one place.
THE BIOLOGY BUILDING, CLEARLY. So what did I do? Obviously he was way too far ahead of me for me to run up to and say HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING, so instead, I decided to...just STALK HIM.
Like seriously, literally, I STRAIGHT UP STALKED THIS KID. The whole time I was like WHAT IF HE SEES ME AND NOTICES. Like, I was totally expecting him to turn around like WHAT WAS THAT NOISE
With like...the Metal Gear Solid exclamation point and everything, and I'd be like NO GO AWAY GO AWAY YOU DIDN'T SEE SHIT KEEP WALKING KEEP WALKING
DON'T LOOK AT ME
Could I have booked it like hell, ran up to him, and asked him if he knew where he was going? Sure! But would that have been near as much fun as NINJA STALKING the guy? I THINK NOT. Of course, there was always the very real possibility that he was NOT going to the Biology building, and that he could lead me all the way across campus into a DITCH or a BURNING BUILDING or, worse, to the MATHEMATICS building.
I PERISH THE THOUGHT ;;;
But you're forgetting something very important about me! I have a superpower, and it is called IDIOT LUCK. So of course, even though this kid could have been lost, himself, or even though he could have been going ANYWHERE ELSE on campus, he did, in fact, lead me straight to the Biology building. So HAH.
Idiot Luck: 1
Laws of the Universe: 0
So I got there, and they told me where to sit. And I mean, they gave me VERY SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS on where to sit. So when I finally find my seat, I look around and notice that they had placed me ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM from just about EVERYBODY ELSE. So now I'm like WHAT THE BALLS IS THIS
WHY AM I BEING SHUNNED
IS IT CAUSE I STALKED THAT ONE KID?
AND EVEN SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW
Then I realized that they were sorting kids by their major, and not actually shunning me. It just turned out that NOBODY had signed up for my major. WELL FINE. You don't like Molecular and Cellular Biology? Just you wait, by the time I get my degree, I will be able to insult you is such a way that even your cells and molecules will be ashamed of themselves. B-..because that's the kind of stuff they're going to teach me. Right? That's not a question: IT IS.
So I got my schedule, in the end. WEEEEW. I have a really random assortment of classes, and normally I would tell the internet all about it, but unfortunately I don't actually have my schedule WITH me right now. So maybe some other time, internet. Because I know you care about that kind of stuff.
And right now you're probably thinking THIS POST IS TOO LONG, ARE YOU DONE YET
The answer is NO. I'M NOT DONE. Because you're forgetting, again, about another very important thing. I GOT to the Biology building just fine...but HOW THE HELL DID I MANAGE TO GET BACK? Well, after I finished setting up my schedule, I made my way to the exit. Right? Ok, cool. When I got to the elevator, there was this OTHER kid standing there talking to one of the staff. I found out that he was going EXACTLY where I was going...
GUESS WHAT I DID.
If you guessed "Stalk that kid", you're actually WRONG! I decided that stalking one kid was enough for the day, so I actually ASKED this kid if he could help me get to where we were going, which he did. His name was Reggie and HE SAVED MY LIFE. Unfortunately I didn't get his last name, so I can't, like, go on Facebook and be like HEY REMEMBER ME, THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE. But hey, c'est la vie, right?
A-..apparently that means "that's life" in French. But I don't actually speak French, so...
I needed to end this like two paragraphs ago, so I'm just going to make an abrupt exit here and say I PROMISE NOT TO WRITE A NOVEL NEXT TIME I POST.
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